“Exhausting ourselves with novelty is a defense against our deepest pain, one that we cannot outrun. But once we stop and feel our losses, we can begin our healing journey and be the authentic, joyous person we were born to be.” ~ Alexandra Katehakis, Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
When the average person hears the word “addiction” he thinks of a shambling drug abuser, a dissolute alcoholic, a nicotine-stained change-smoker, or rarely, a hopeless and desperate gambler. The truth of the matter is, it is possible to become addicted to almost any type of behavior – drinking, drug use, overeating, gambling, smoking, videogame playing, and even that most natural of human activities – SEX. Some estimates report that up to 6% of the US population suffers from sexual addiction.
The Nature of Addiction
It isn’t the substance or the behavior, per se, that characterizes the addiction. Addiction can be defined as any behavior, object, substance, or activity that becomes the primary focus of an individual’s life to the exclusion of all other activities, or that has begun to harm the person or other people socially, mentally, or physically. For example, it is perfectly socially acceptable and pleasurable to drink alcohol, and many people drink to excess from time to time. When they drink heavily so often that it causes negative consequences in their life, and they are powerless to refrain from drinking in spite of those consequences, that is when there may be evidence of an addiction to alcohol. Common characteristics of addiction are:
- the person constantly thinks of the object of their addiction
- The person will seek out the object of their addiction despite any negative consequences or harm – problems with family, physical issues, difficulties at work, etc.
- the person will engage in the activity/take the substance compulsively over and over again even when they don’t want to – they will be powerless to stop
- when the person is unable to engage in the activity/take the substance, they will suffer from withdrawal – intense craving, irritability, restlessness, and/or depression
- the person will lose control over how much/how often they engage in the activity
- the person will deny that they have a problem, even when it is evident to others around them
- the person will hide their behavior from their family and friends
- the person may forget how much they are actively engaging in activity
- the person may become depressed over the fact that they are addicted
- the person may suffer from other mental disorders such as low self-esteem, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety, or bipolar disorder
- many addicts come from dysfunctional families were psychological or physical abuse occurred
12-step recovery groups often state that a person is addicted to something when they are powerless over the object of their addiction and their lives have become unmanageable as a result.
How Do These Behaviors Apply When Talking about a Sexual Addiction?
- A sexual addict will be overly-preoccupied with sex – new sexual experiences and partners, the frequency with which they have sex, and pornography. They may spend an inordinate amount of time online viewing adult material or on dating sites. They often spend more time in the “fantasy world” presented in pornography that they do in real-world relationships.
- A sexual addict may engage in high-risk sexual behaviors, such as multiple partners, unprotected sex, being unfaithful in relationships, or hiring prostitutes. They will do these things even at the risk of their health (STDs or HIV), their relationships (divorce), or their freedom (arrests).
- A sexual addict may attempt from time to time to change their behaviors – remaining faithful, staying away from adult websites, trying to refrain from having sex too early in relationships, etc. – but they end up engaging in sexual activities, despite their good intentions.
- When they are unable to have sex for even a short period of time, a sexual addict will often become restless and irritable. When they are unable to have sex for too long. – sometimes even just a few days – they may become even more reckless in their behaviors.
- A sexual addict might have sex even when they don’t want to. This often happens when they are with another person who takes advantage of their addiction.
- A sexual addict will downplay or minimize many of their behaviors. For example, they may try to “play it off” by saying they just have an active social life or a healthy interest in the opposite sex. They will attempt to keep up this façade even someone points out how their sexual addiction is causing them problems.
- A sexual addict will try to hide or disguise their behaviors – looking at pornography in secret, lying about their whereabouts and activities, hiding their social life from their loved ones, etc.
- A sexual addict can lose count of the number of sexual partners they have had or be unable to recall their activities. They may forget their partners’ names or even where they met.
- A sexual addict may suffer from self-esteem that is so low that they define themselves by their sexual prowess. They may not even believe that they are physically attractive unless someone is sexually interested in them.
- A sexual addict may feel anxious that they need to play a certain expected “role” to be expected within their social circle – that of a sexually-loose person.
- A sexual addict with bipolar disorder may be exceptionally promiscuous during their “manic” phase.
- Many sexual addicts come from dysfunctional families where they may have been victims of incest or rape.
What Can Be Done to Treat Sexual Addiction?
Addiction, in all its many forms, is a lifelong disease that can never be cured. However, the effects of the disease can be managed, just as those of other chronic conditions such as diabetes or high blood pressure. With lifestyle changes, the sexual addict can regain power in their own life and restore serenity, sanity, and manageability to their life. This is not something that is usually feasible to do on one’s own – the services of trained professionals and peer-support groups such as 12-step programs are usually necessary.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – This is when the recovering sexual addict is thought how to shift the focus of their thoughts. A trained sexual addiction counselor can teach the person’s techniques that can help reduce impulsive sexual thoughts, how to place sex into its proper perspective within one’s life, and how to engage in healthy sexual activities and relationships.
- Counseling – It can be useful for the recovering sexual addict to learn about any underlying causes that may have contributed to the development of their sexual addiction.
- Treatment for co-occurring disorders – Many addicts suffer from other co-occurring mental disorders, and recovery from sexual addiction can be difficult or even impossible unless the other disorders are treated at the same time.
- Group therapy/12-step support meetings – Often, a sexual addict will feel isolated from the rest of the general population because of the feelings associated with their addiction. It is important for someone in recovery to know that they are not alone. Frequently, the recovering addict can get much-needed fellowship, strength, and encouragement from hearing and sharing experiences within the group.
- Trauma counseling – When some sort of past pain or trauma is a causal factor in the development of the sexual addiction, dealing with that pain in a safe environment can help the person “let go” of the psychic burden, so they can move forward productively.
- Family therapy – Addiction is a disease that touches entire families, and sexual addiction is one that can do serious damage to relationships. Family therapy can help open lines of communication so repairs might again.
- Relapse prevention – Sexual addiction is particularly hard because it is a normal and healthy human activity. Sexual images and representations are everywhere – on television, in the movies, and everywhere in the media. Because the subject cannot be avoided, specific strategies and techniques aren’t needed to prevent any slips or relapses.
Sexual addiction is not a joke, and it can strike people of any age and of any gender. Like any addiction, it can be a destructive force in that person’s life and the lives of everyone around them. If you or a loved one are having problems with obsessive sexual behaviors, help is available and life can get better. With effective treatment, you can learn how to set healthy boundaries, realizing genuine self-esteem, and achieve real and stable intimacy with another person. Best of all, you can reestablish power over your sexual urges and restore your life to manageability.