If you have a relationship with someone who has an addiction to drugs or alcohol, it can be easy to get caught in the trap of enabling. Sometimes, though, how we try to support them can worsen the situation. This is called enabling, and it can prevent someone from facing the reality of their actions and getting the help they need.
Understanding how to stop enabling is a crucial step toward helping your loved one find the path to recovery while also protecting your own well-being. Of course, this is easier said than done — especially if you have a codependent relationship with the person. In this blog post, we’ll give you insight into how harmful enabling is for all involved, as well as tips to avoid it and what to do instead.
How to Recognize Enabling Behaviors
Enabling is any action that allows or supports addictive behavior, whether it’s financial, emotional, or otherwise. Understanding what enabling looks like is the first step to stop it and encourage healthier behaviors in the person you’re trying to help.
Here’s a deeper dive into some common enabling behaviors:
Making Excuses
Making excuses for a loved one’s behavior is one of the most common forms of enabling. It might feel like a way to protect them from judgment, but in reality, it prevents them from facing the consequences of their actions. You might find yourself saying things like, “They’ve been through a lot,” or “It’s not their fault, they had a tough upbringing.”
While it’s true that past experiences or stress can contribute to addiction, constantly making excuses allows them to avoid taking responsibility. When you protect them in this way, they’re not given the chance to see how their behavior is affecting their life and others around them.
Not only does this enable their addiction to continue, but it can also lead to frustration on your part. Constantly defending their actions means you may feel like you’re carrying a burden, trying to keep things under control, while the underlying issue remains unaddressed.
Defending Their Actions or Blaming Others
Another way enabling shows up is by defending their actions or shifting the blame onto others. For example, you might say, “They wouldn’t act like this if they had a better job” or “It’s all their friends’ fault for getting them into trouble.” This kind of behavior prevents the person from seeing how their addiction is affecting their life.
By defending them or blaming outside factors, you deny them the chance to take responsibility for their choices. Addiction is a personal issue, and until someone accepts responsibility for it, change is much harder to achieve.
This behavior not only shields the person from the truth but also can be emotionally exhausting for you. You might find yourself caught in a pattern of defending them, which can lead to tension in the relationship and a feeling of helplessness as the problem goes unresolved.
Financial Support
Offering financial help, such as giving money or paying their bills, may seem like a way to help a loved one during a tough time. However, this often ends up enabling the addiction. By stepping in financially, you may be preventing them from realizing the seriousness of their situation and from taking the necessary steps to get help. While you may feel like you’re helping in the short term, constantly giving money or covering expenses can leave you feeling drained and resentful.
Avoiding Confrontation
Many people avoid confronting their loved one about their addiction because the conversation is uncomfortable or might lead to conflict. However, avoiding the topic only allows the problem to persist and grow.
By not addressing the issue, you make it easier for the person to continue their harmful behavior without facing any repercussions. Keeping the peace by staying silent or pretending the addiction isn’t there may feel like an easier option, but it ultimately prevents any real change from happening.
When confrontation is avoided, the person with the addiction isn’t given the opportunity to reflect on their actions or the consequences they’re facing. This avoidance keeps the cycle of addiction going, and it can lead to emotional exhaustion on your part as you carry the weight of not being able to address the issue.
Steps to Stop Enabling Addiction
Stopping enabling behaviors isn’t easy, but it’s a crucial part of helping your loved one start their journey to recovery. Here are some practical steps to take:
1. Set Clear Boundaries
To stop enabling, you must decide what you will and won’t do to support their addiction. For example, you might decide not to give money or cover for their behavior at work. Setting these boundaries helps the person understand that their actions have consequences.
It’s important to communicate these boundaries calmly but firmly. Let them know what you are and aren’t willing to do, and stick to these boundaries. By setting limits, you are showing them that you will no longer protect them from the consequences of their actions.
2. Encourage Accountability
It’s crucial to let your loved one face the consequences of their choices. If they miss work, lose a job, or damage relationships because of their behavior, they need to experience these outcomes so they can understand the impact of their addiction.
Avoid rescuing them from every problem caused by their substance use. If you step in every time something goes wrong, you prevent them from recognizing the need to change. Letting them deal with the fallout of their actions can motivate them to seek help and start rebuilding their life in recovery.
3. Offer Support Without Enabling
Instead of financially supporting their habit or covering for them, offer emotional support. Let them know you care and are there for them, but also encourage healthy actions. For example, help them contact a rehab center, find a support group, or attend a recovery meeting with them.
Your support should guide them toward recovery rather than make it easier for them to stay in their addiction. Offering help in the form of practical steps—like assisting with treatment options—shows that you want to see them get better without enabling their addiction.
4. Educate Yourself About Addiction
Understanding how addiction works is a crucial part of stopping enabling. The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to respond in ways that support recovery, rather than enable unhealthy behaviors. Learn about the recovery process, what it takes to get sober, and how addiction affects both the person and their loved ones.
When you understand the complexities of addiction, it becomes easier to recognize enabling behaviors and stop them before they do more harm. You’ll also be more confident in offering the right kind of support.
Why Stopping Enabling Helps Your Loved One
Stopping enabling behaviors isn’t just about setting boundaries—it’s about creating an environment that encourages change. When you stop enabling, you help the person:
- Take responsibility for their actions
- Begin to face the consequences of their addiction
- Seek help and take the first step towards recovery
At the same time, stopping enabling helps protect your own well-being. It can prevent feelings of resentment and burnout, and allow you to support your loved one in healthier, more effective ways.
How to Help an Addict Without Enabling
Helping someone with an addiction doesn’t mean doing everything for them or covering up their mistakes. Instead, it’s about offering the right kind of support that encourages growth and healing. Here’s how to offer help without enabling:
Provide Emotional Support
Let your loved one know that you care and believe in their ability to recover. Be there to listen without judgment when they share their feelings, but avoid excusing or minimizing harmful behaviors. Show them you’re there for their recovery, not just to help them avoid consequences.
Help with Tasks That Promote Recovery
Assist with things that will help their recovery process, like driving them to a treatment center or attending family therapy sessions. These actions show that you’re supporting their efforts to change, rather than enabling their addiction.
However, avoid doing things for them that they can and should do for themselves, such as managing their responsibilities or making excuses for their behavior. Part of recovery is learning to take responsibility and make positive choices.
Encourage Professional Help
One of the best ways to help without enabling is by encouraging professional treatment. Offer to help them find a therapist, rehab program, or support group. Suggest they speak with a doctor or addiction specialist who can guide them through the recovery process.
It’s important to make it clear that you support them in getting professional help, but the decision to seek treatment must come from them. Encourage them gently, but recognize that they are the ones who need to take the first step.
Break the Cycle and Repair Your Relationship
Recognizing enabling behaviors is the first step in making a positive change. It’s not easy, but stopping enabling actions is necessary to help your loved one face their addiction and take the steps toward recovery.
At Ashwood Recovery, we understand the impact addiction has on each individual as well as their family members. That’s why we offer family therapy in our outpatient and partial hospitalization addiction treatment programs.
Our team of trained professionals has helped countless families heal from addiction. Contact us to learn more about our programs and how we can help today.